Counting and Counseling

It is four weeks and counting since he left. I don’t know why we humans track time. I think that the Native Americans did it better. They counted moon phases or seasons.

His passing is still so fresh, yet,each day takes me a little farther away from  him, or so it seems.

I have sent out resumes and I have a few prospects. I know that this is what I need to do because the days are empty. I am hoping to be employed by September at the latest. I have to have income; the sooner the better.

I noted how those who are left behind in this world  keep track of how long they have been bereaved. I didn’t do this with my brother, mother or even my divorce. I suppose that those losses are not quite the same as loosing the one that was such a part of me.

As I re enter into a world that I left when cancer came in, I seem to be seeing it with different eyes. I am not disillusioned by what I see. I have been on my own before.

There is a white band on my  left ring finger. It looks so strange. Now, I place a birthstone ring on the finger that was covered for so long. I have to have something to take the place of the wedding band.

My husband was very observant and he would notice if I took off my rings. If I didn’t place them back on, he would begin asking me questions as to why they were not on my hand. Usually, it was because I was in the kitchen and doing something messy with my hands and I didn’t want to have to clean my rings…he always noticed the little things. I suppose they were not little to him.

So, I have begun making small changes. I have major decisions to make regarding finances and I keep hearing my mother’s voice in my head. She always said, “Try not to make decisions in time of storm”.

She knew that whatever decisions you make when life has you rocking and reeling from the waves of uncertainty can cause you to not clearly see the best choice. She also knew that those important decisions are the ones with which you must live for the rest of your life.

My mother was a very cautious person. She was the perfect German, logical and methodical, to balance out my Irish father, who was very impetuous and emotional in his decision making. I hear her words often and I realize that I listened and placed inside my heart her pearls of wisdom.

I am doing my best to heed her advise. I just have pressing circumstances and I know that I can’t make a mistake. At this moment in time, missteps would be a luxury that I cannot afford.

One of the unseen blessings for me in this journey is that I have a dear friend who lost her husband a few months back. Over the years, our lives have crossed paths many times and it would seem that we have met up again for this season in our lives. 

Her circumstances are similiar, but different, but we are learning that grief is something that can’t be spiritualized and sailed over. It must be felt. Tears must be cried, Loss must be faced and anger is a component to grieving. Some of the things that people say to those of us who have lost our identity by loosing our spouses are just plain cruel.

That is the case with my friend. She had few who could understand how much pain she felt inside. When we try and not feel the pain, the emotions catch up when we least expect it.

She “hit the wall”. That proverbial wall is rather big and it is very hard when hit full force.  As my friend and I shared our grief, we realized that we needed to have the wisdom of someone who has walked this road. I knew the right person to call.

I met this counselor 20 years ago when I was trying to deal with the multiple losses of brother, mother, marriage, grandmother and I called this Woman of God.

She presently is the hospice chaplain. I felt such relief  when my husband was in the hospice program. When I saw her again, I felt a comfort that only an old friend could bring at that moment in time.

She was there at my husband’s passing. When my husband left this world, this kind woman put her arms around me and held me as if I were in my mother’s arms. She let me sob my heart out.

This woman also has known the loss of her spouse. She was 39 years old when her husband died of a major heart attack. She has walked through this Valley and she has come out on the other side.

When I realized that my friend and I needed someone who had actually lived the life we were experiencing, I called her. I have every confidence in this person and I know that I knew that I could entrust my friend with her wisdom. I know that I can trust her words of comfort. I know we are safe in her counsel.

How long will this be needed? I don’t know. I don’t care how long it takes. I am determined not to get stuck in this Valley of the Shadows. I realize this loss will always be a part of me because it will define me and my future. I also know that this Valley was never designed for anyone to dwell in it, but rather, it is to be passed through.

This valley is a part of the road of life. All who have married will go through this portal. It may be premature or it may be when all of life has been exhausted, but it will be faced by the the two who became one. It is part of the wedding vows and it is recognized as the ending.

So, each day, I take another step. Some days, it is a very small one and I know for those who look on, it may seem like I didn’t move at all. For me, the smallest of movement forward is progress and I know that I may step back and undo what forward motion that I made.

It is just part of this living again. It is still movement and the days will come when I move outside of myself and re emerge as my own person instead of one part of two…

So, for now, I am counting the days. I remind myself that this injury to my heart is still very fresh and to be gentle with it. But, I know that, as in all things of healing, you must press on to regain whatever the injury cost you.

Counseling is good. It keeps me honest. It will help to know that what I feel is “normal” and not as crazy as it feels.

I had an advantage over my friend. Because of those who meet me here on this blog and whose blogs I read, I had an understanding of what was approaching.

For what I find lacking in this physical world, I have found satisfying in the cyber world. I want to thank you all for the wisdom, comfort and support. Before and even now, you are my counselors and comforters as much as anyone.

Thanks ever so much.