When did I fall in love with my husband.? I can’t really say when because I have always been in love with him. From the first time we were sledding down Madden Hill and the cold and wind was whistling through my coat to the first “official” date (He asked my father’s permission to take me for a coke after church) when he sung Mr. Bo Jangles to me, I was in love with this handsome 19 year old boy from Chicago.
I saw him every day after school because he worked for my father. (It wasn’t easy to get a date when every guy wondered if dating me would end up meaning their job if they got out of line). He would make a “mistake” on his time card so that I would have to walk down to the Mill and ask him what time he left work on Tuesday or something like that. I wasn’t aware that he had already pre arranged everything with my sister. She was in on all of his “mistakes”. I remember her telling me that she wouldn’t mind if he would be her brother in law. *smile* It only took 20 something years for that to come true.
I loved everything about him. I loved his voice. I loved his mannerisms. I loved that we sang and harmonized so well together. I loved that he was as comfortable in a suit as he was in jeans and a tee shirt. I loved the whole package.
I knew that he had feelings for me. I could see it in his eyes and that old song that said “….its in his kiss…” I was hoping that he felt the same thing as I did, but I wasn’t about to tell him. My mother was old fashioned and she said to never tell a boy how you felt. You let him tell you. So, I did but he never said those words. Someone told him that he wasn’t “good enough” for me and he didn’t call anymore. …..I was devastated.
It was the memory of him that I took with me into my first marriage. I told my first husband on our first date that I loved another man and that I didn’t know if I could ever love him. Why he didn’t run, I don’t know.
Soon after I began dating my ex husband, I learned that the love of my life was marrying some one else. Within 30 days of our last date, he was engaged to another. I was devastated and I thought that I had nothing better to do than get married to someone who acted like they loved me. I knew that I didn’t feel the same, but that didn’t matter. There was a song out that said that if you can’t be with the one that you loved, then love the one you are with and foolishly, I did.
Within a year of meeting my ex husband, I was married. The next month after getting married, I began nurses training and 18 months later at the age of 21, I became a mother. Life took off. I was married, a mother and working part time as a staff nurse….I had replicated the life that was expected of me and I was totally miserable. The only bright spot in my life was my son. My beautiful son was the only good that came out of 18 years of my first marriage.
Eighteen years is a long time to be unhappy and without hope. Early on, the marriage turned loveless and at times violent. When things would become violent and I had to recover from being beaten, I would see the face and hear, “Mr. Bo Jangles” as he once sang it to me. I found safety in those memories but I never thought that the day would come when I would be with him. He with me and I with him.
I loved him completely and I tried to stop loving him so that I could be true to the one that I was with. As long as I was hurting physically and emotionally, he was never far from my heart, my mind or my thoughts.
Then, came the day when he walked in the front door where I worked. I didn’t recognize this man who had a full beard, but the moment that he spoke, I knew it was him and my head began to whirl. He was divorced for the second time. He was looking for my brother. My brother was killed 9 months before but he wasn’t aware. When I told him about my mother, he was so sad to hearof her passing. He always admired my mother and thought that she was a special woman. He had known her from church when his dad pastored my home church (It is the one in which we are renewing our vows)
We left there to get a cup of coffee and to catch up on how life was over the years. I didn’t hear from him for months after that. I thought that he was lost to me again, then one evening months later, there was a voice message and he was coming to town….
For the losses that I suffered then ( My brother was killed, nine months later my mother died from cancer, 6 weeks after my mother’s funeral, I was served with divorce papers, three months after that, my grandmother, my mother’s mother died ) he was a comfort. He has been a comfort to me from that time to this….He is still the safe place to where I run for safety.
We are two souls that have melted into one and it began 38 years and it is greater today than in the past. Cancer and death will not be able to break the love that began in the “forest primeval…. I’ve been in love with you…..As Dan Fogelberg sing, ” I been in love with you…..I am in love with you……”