At first, I was afraid to sleep because I might dream of my husband. I know that may sound strange, but when I dream, the feelings in the dreams can stay with me all day long and I do not need that kind of distraction as I go to work…I must have full attention to detail.
Now, I am a little troubled as to why I am not dreaming of him. I seem to long for a glimpse of his face even if it is in the land of half light and altered conscienceness. I always believed that I would see my husband again in my dreams.
The flashbacks are totally different. They are triggered by so many different things that provoke a memory. They can totally undo me for the day. I will not be thinking on anything related to my husband and, before I can get a hold of myself, I will see his eyes filled with tears or that horrible rug burn that was on his face. I really hate the flashbacks because they are filled with pain…. his pain.
My counselor says that these kind of things are normal and that they will diminish as time goes on. She says that it is the mind’s and heart’s “radar” sending out sonar waves to test and see if these events are true. It is the “bounce back” that confirms that he really is gone and I am really alone.
Sometimes, I feel like saying to myself, “Make up your mind and quit this signal sending. Just get on with it!”, but I am not in control.
The reversals happen without warning. I will receive something in the mailbox addressed to him. I cannot answer a question about something that only he has the answer. Or I am totally unaware of where something is or what was done with it. These cause a horribly painful reverse mode.
With the flashbacks and reversals, I cry as if he just died and I feel the true depth of loss when I think, “Dan would know where that is or how to do it.”
I grow so weary of going forward and backward, of wanting to step ahead, but afraid of leaving him behind…I am just weary of emotion upon emotion and pushing myself to get through demanding days of work.
I want to get off of this Merry-Go-Round for a couple of turns, then I will get back on it again. That is what I tell myself. But, again, the sonar comes back and “pings” that this kind of thinking isn’t reality.
I can’t get off for a couple of turns. I am here on this round about ride and here I will stay until I am able to think on him without tears…I doubt if that will ever happen.
I miss him…
Walking in the Valley of the Shadows 
Those dreams came in the early days, and then they abruptly disappeared. Just when I hoped to find them once again.
For years, I didn’t dream of Jenny, and then one day, long long afterwards, they started again. Not often, but they were back. I don’t know why, but I was glad that they did.
Roads,
Thanks for letting me know that the dreams do come back.
I have had only one dream and in it, I didn’t see my husband”s face, but only “knew” he was there…
When I was younger, I always remembered my dreams after waking. Now, I don’t seem to be able to recall the dream, just feel the emotions that are like whimsical footprints left on my heart…
I truly want those dreams of him…just another thing that I cannot control…I will anticipate them as gifts…just like when I find his wriitngs or notes…
Thanks for being a “guide” as I navigate walking through this dark valley…I am truly grateful for your efforts on my behalf…
What a powerful thing dreams are.
There have been too many nights where I have awoken because of some horrible dream involving my husband. Maybe I dream that I’ve lost him or that he stops loving me.
But always, always, I wake up and curl up next to him. And although he is a deep sleeper, he always senses me and manages to touch me reassuringly.
I’m sure the day will come when Dan’s reassuring touch will find it’s way back into your dreams. You will awake feeling his love around you and it will cut through the pain of his loss like a great big hug.
I’m sorry I don’t comment often, but I am still thinking about you and hoping that you are doing well.
Happy Thanksgiving!
The power of dreams have fasinated mankind from the beginning. My dreams were always powerful indicators of my heart’s fears and concerns.
The dreams that I want are the reassuring ones and I fear the ones that are the reminders of his loss.
If they come, again, I will welcome them no matter what they consist. Just a glimpse of his face will be enough…
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers…I do need them.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
I’ve been on roller coasters myself, at times. But not the one you’re on. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but I want you to know that I’m praying for you. I’m asking God to bless you with the dreams of Dan’s comforting, loving presence and that you will feel “at home” once again.
Love,
Lynda
I guess you said Merry-Go-Round instead of Roller Coaster (oops, sorry)…but I’m sure both are appropriate descriptions of what you are feeling sometimes.
Lynda,
No matter the amuzemnt ride, it is motion and the emotions are just same without the fun. *smile*.
Really, the roller coaster is more accurate because of the deep lows and the plunging highs that this journey brings.(The highs aren’t as high as I would like them)
Thanks for the prayers for comfort.
Merry-go-Round/Roller-Coaster they evoke different aspects of our emotions. The Roller Coaster shows how our feelings reach a high one moment only to come rushing downwards the next. But note they do come back up again! Maybe not as fast as they went down but they do come back up again.
The Merry-go-Round with its relentless rotation never stopping. Like you say you wish that you could get off for a few turns and try and get things on an even keel without everything rushing relentlessly onward.
The trouble is that when Dan died, or in Frank’s case his mother, those emotions gave that Merry-go-Round a good old spin up. Unfortunately it can take quite a while for it to slow down enough to be able to clearly see the world around you again. I found that it was still spinning rather fast over a year later…
Thanks, Dewdrop, for your comment. You are right. The Merry Go Round is more like a roulette wheel. My life has been left spinning and I cannot see clearly.
I suppose the timing of the wheel in its loss of speed is within each of us. Maybe I am being impatient with feeling like I am “going nowhere”. But, then, how can I?
Going forward is leaving Dan behind and my heart isn’t ready to do that…don’t know if I will ever be able to leave him behind…
Thanks for sharing your time table…what is a year, a month, or a day in this kind of emptiness? They all seem to be lost in the pain.