I don’t know why I want to write this letter. I know that you can see all that you loved here without any explanation or “Newsflash”. I just want to share with you the things that we always shared together.
Tonight, Bubby wrestled in his first match. Of course, I thought about you and all the evenings that we watched wrestling. Thank you for not watching the fake WWF stuff. I never enjoyed watching the acting kind of this sport. But, I did enjoy watching the other kind where the contestants actually use wrestling moves.
As I watched him on the mat, I thought how Bubby would have benefited from your experience. All, but the part where you “blew out” your knee. Kids don’t need to know about the injury possibility right out of the gate, at least, not Bubby. He already sought me out when he became winded and told me about how his lungs were hurting.
You know, NanNan the Nurse, should be able to tell if he was “over doing” it. All of this before the match began. I had to hide my smile.
Bubby seemed impressed when I told him about how you wrestled in High School. There are so many things to tell the next generation about you. How will I ever remember it all?
I haven’t heard much regarding your other grandsons. As time progresses, the communication lines become more quiet. You mustn’t be upset with your family. Their lives are full of raising young children or seeing to the care of your parents. It is just the way things go when the person that linked you to them is no longer on this earth. It is human nature.
Yet, there are old friends that seem to keep in touch. I still hear from a few of them back in Parke County and Brazil. They have been deeply touched by your life and, when you come to mind, they seem to remember me.
An update on your Washington State branch. You oldest granddaughter just turned 2 years old in August and she sings all of the songs from the Sound Of Music. When I was told about her Christmas gift of a guitar, I thought about you. It seems that she will be the next generation to love and perform music. Yes, my love, that part of you, the part that loved music, lives within her.
Her baby sister is growing. She is a real Buster. She is one of those little fat babies that knows when meal time is rolling around. She is trying to crawl already. It is amazing that she is doing all of these things. It reminds me that life is passing so quickly and I am not living at the same speed.
I missed you, tonight. As everyone walked out of the gym, I noticed that it seemed everyone walked in pairs. All of the parents and grandparents that filled the gym were walking two by two…everyone, but me.
How I hurt to see all of these grandparents enjoy watching the beginning of the days that will be spent watching grandchildren and dreaming of the next decade. Somehow, they count on the time that they will spend being involved with these kinds of events.
For a moment, I feel the bitter burn of disappointment; that old familiar stabbing pain, that tells me that you had so much more to live and to experience. I know that it means so much to kids to have family come and watch them as they try the new things of life…how cheated I feel for both of us.
Tonight, I can’t sleep again. I seem not to be able to quiet my mind and find slumber. My thoughts are with you and the pain of your absence nags at me like a constant ache in my body.
I tried to watch a movie, but my mind wanders away from the plot and, as usual, I loose too much of the story line to enjoy what I see. You see, some things never change. At least, you don’t have to explain the details I missed because I was out of the room. That thought makes me smile. I know how much that always irritated you.
Watching TV into the night is just another coping mechanism. Numbing my mind with meaningless TV just doesn’t seem to work like it once did.
In a few days, it will be 8 months since you left. Every time I begin to think that I am recovering from some of this pain, I realize that I fall back into it. I am always falling back to you.
I don’t know what to expect now. It seems that I don’t have a life to call my own. I just work and immerse myself in the lives of others and their needs. Dan my life is still with you.
Well, there is nothing more to tell you. I am sure that you are keeping tabs on the kids and grand kids. As in life and now in your new existence, I know that your heart is always with them.
I don’t have an address for this letter. Just like the Valentine Days card, I hope that it will find its way to you by some kind of “special delivery”.
I love you, Dan. I miss you tonight….and every night.
All my love,