I made a decision. It is one that I have pondered for quite a while.
Now, it is time.
Over the past few months, I noticed that most of my last few blogs have been the same. They are pain, more pain and endless pain. That is the way it is after the death of a loved one. Each day is the same, just different circumstances.
It will be 2 years in July since the sunset of Dan’s death. Counting the months and years doesn’t make it easier. It is a reminder that one life ended and yours goes on and on and on.
I must say that I have a “normalcy” of sorts. It isn’t the life that I enjoy, but it is my life. I have made decisions of my life based on what I learned from Dan’s life and death. I have things that I want to do before it is my time to leave this earth.
I also know that I have no regrets in the choices that Dan and I made. We made wonderful memories instead of waiting until “retirement”. I can say that we lived and we lived in love. Music was our language and we made beautiful music together.
Dan left me with a glimpse into my future. He said that he must leave so that I would fulfil my destiny. As to what that destiny is, I still do not have a clue. But, this I know, I will discover exactly what that destiny is and I will complete it as my life’s work.
As for my blog. It has served its purpose and it has been a part of my destiny. It was the vehicle that carried me over the highest hurdle that I ever had to live.
Each one of you who read and followed the darkest days of my life became pillars that held the sky over my head instead of it crashing all around me. I made many “sight unseen” friends. You are as close to my heart as any who I knew in the flesh.
I owe a great debt to each one who commented and emailed your support and empathy. There are no words to tell you just how much of a blessing you are to my aching heart.
The days ahead will be full of life for me. I shall live and I am hoping that it will be a full life. One of love and purpose.
I have been toying with the idea of going to college and obtaining a degree in social work. I already work with children that bear the emotional wounds of mental and physical abuse. I would like to be a part of prevention rather than just binding the wounds.
The effects of death leave relationships and their destruction in its wake. I have lost friends and blood relatives to the aftermath of loss. It pains me to understand that it a part of death and dying. It is an unnecessary part of it, but it is a part all the same.
Rebuilding a single life after living it as a pair is one of the most challenging part of this life after the sunset of death. It is a life that is built one day at a time. Re entering life after being surrounded by cancer is difficult. Cancer has changed your life as much as it has stolen the life of your loved one.
There is only one choice in all of this whirlwind. You must choose to live in the present or live and die the rest of you life in what was.
I aways chose to live. I didn’t know how to do that, but each day, I find that I continually choose life.
That is the key to climbing out of the shadows of the Valley of Death.
Scripture says that we are to choose life or death every day. I choose life and to have life more abundantly more than it was when Dan was here with me. I don’t know where the path of life will take me, but I will live and I will find purpose in each day.
I have another challenge as I choose to live. My sister with Down’s Syndrome has dementia.
She has had an emotional break down because staff and clients have taunted and teased her. They thought is was funny to do things that made her angry. Two weeks ago, she lost all control and became enraged to the point that she began hitting, kicking and biting staff.
I went to the group home and picked her up and took her home with me. As sunset approached, her anxiety intensified and she became enraged with me. She physically attacked me and I had to physically restrain her so she would stop hurting herself and me.
I searched for medical and psychological help. No one would help us because she was Down’s Syndrome and they said that she was ” INAPPROPRIATE” for their programs. I had no help and no hope until someone in the ER kept on calling until she found someone at the State level who would come to my home and evaluate my sister.
Those were the longest 80 hours of my life. They were as difficult, if not more so, than the final days of Dan’s life. Fortunately, the group home has eliminated the staff that allowed other clients to torment my sister. The group home realized that they were unprepared to handle the situation that my sister’s condition presents and they are willing to educate themselves and the staff as to how to best care for her.
In my desperation, I found organizations for adult Down’s Syndrome people who have dementia and these wonderful people are willing to come and advise all of us as to how to care for the behaviors that my sister is presenting.
Now, my path is to help my sister face her final days walking on this earth. I will help her face her fears and comfort her as the sunset approaches her horizon.
It feels like repeating Dan’s final days with my little sister, but because of Dan, I know better how to help her walk toward the day of sunset.
So, it is my decision to leave my beloved blog behind and begin anew. I will be writing a new blog for those who must walk the Valley of Death with those who are more challenged to understand the spiritual concept of NEW BIRTH through death.
It is my hope that others will not have to repeat my days of darkness when I searched for hope and help with my sister.
So, I am saying a loving, “Fair Thee Well” to all who met me here. I love all of you who gave me strength and courage. I will pay it forward to those as you gave it to me…
I will leave you the words of the song that I sang to Dan as he died:
If You must go….
Then go in Peace
Go in His Strength, where’ re He leads.
Know that you take the Bread that’s been broken
Walk unafraid, humble and free.
Know that you are not alone, Know that you are not alone.
Had it not been for sacrifice
Nothing could quench this thirst for life
Never forsake the One that’s been given
Keep His dear cross ever in sight
He has made you His own. He has made You his own
God be with you, May He shed His Grace
On your darkest hours and your best of days
Nothing below or above can come between you and His love
Remember you Go in the Shadow of the Cross