It has been 5 years since Dan died. They have been difficult spiritually, emotionally and physically, but they have been lived. I have been walking out of these shadows.I didn’t know if I would at first, but, in my pain, I did make strides, small steps and large leaps.
For the first year, it was pure survival. I didn’t make memories. If I did, I don’t remember much. I do remember loosing my keys at my doctor’s office and he took me home to get my second set. While here, he took out my air conditioner.
I remember crying while I drove between my home health patients. I continued to pray that the “forgetfulness” would not be the cause of making errors….
I learned that this kind of distraction was normal for those who are in the “bowels of grief”. It was such a comfort because I began to think that I was loosing what was left of my mind.
I lost; a lot that first year. I lost a lawn mower. That was difficult because I have over 2 acres that had to be mowed. It took over 2 years for a solution to the grass mowing saga to be remedied.
I lost my computers to a lightening strike to the house. It hurt the new TV that I purchased because the old Sony bit the dust. I didn’t have a way to replace my computers and connectivity until a friend gave me her old laptop and I paid a cousin to get it to boot up. Now, it is in my work office and I use it every day. I recently purchased this new Toshiba…I am amazed at the advances that were made in these machines and the Net during the years that I wasn’t online.
My greatest lost was this blog. I tried several time to write but the pain of loss seemed to dry the words that were so bountiful as I walked with Dan to his sunset. I missed the people who were my support during this time. When I finally was able to get online with my smartphone, I couldn’t afford to write because of the inconvience of the smaller screen and the cost of usage.
Many times I longed to write, but I didn’t know where to begin to write about the changes or the new losses…my sister’s dementia, my older sister’s MS…the 7 funerals in 4 months…how can you write about what has become a new thread in the fabric of living?
Just like the elephant, you eat it one bite at a time and just like now, if I choose to write, it is one word at a time.
The losses were not the only occurrences. After; the losses of a car, Dan’s truck and many other worn out equipment, new replacements were obtained. Some in the usual manner of purchases, many by extraordinary circumstances. I know that what was done on my behalf was not by chance, but rather by divine providence….
The most astounding providence was in the new people who entered my life. One family in particular actually helped me come out of the natural mourning process and I did choose to live.
I wish I could say that I am pleased with the progress. I know that there is much more to accomplish in this journey out of the Shadows, but now, I am grateful for this new laptop, a new car, a new job and most of all, the knowledge that I did not take one step alone.
My steps are ordered by the Lord…no doubt…