It Was Only A Dream

I felt his touch and I could smell the scent of his skin. Then, I saw his face.

He was smiling that warm, filled with mischief smile that he reserved just for me.

Without speaking a word I poured out my heart… In my  heart I heard his voice  echo my words. I didn’t hear words, but I heard an unspoken melody that emanated from his heart to mine.

It seems that our souls are as entwined as deeply as they were before he died. The bond is alive and as strong in death as it was in life.

Then he invited me to nestle by his side, to hold me in his arms.. .. as I slipped into his arms, I felt that I was finally safe.

I felt my mind, soul and body relax for the first time since the day he died. I returned to my place.  I was safely cradled in his embrace. 

Yet, as I felt his warmth, I knew that this wasn’t occurring in the present. I was aware that he and I were in the land of dreams and this fading moment cannot  be measured in time. I knew that it couldn’t last.

The tears began to flow down my face as I whispered my words of love in his ear.  As I gazed into his eye, he was fading before me. As he became transparent, I was willing myself to not wake.

But, I did. As he faded from my dream filled eyes, I woke to my tear drenched pillow. Stardust had evaporated and he was gone.

On my pillow were tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of deep longing to stay in those strong arms.

He held me. I touched him.

At this moment, I know that I am awake and alive because I feel the pain of being left behind again.

It was only a dream, a vapor, a wisp of  whimsy…

It was wondrous. It was heart wrenching. It was comfort. It was security…all of these things captured in the state of dreams.

After all of these month of missing him, I was blessed to see  his face one more time and…

Then he was gone.

How ironic!

Today I prayed and told God that I realized that I was open to the idea that I desired to share life’s path with someone and asked God to show me if there was someone that would be a friend and companion, possibly a mate….and then Dan came to me in a dream…

I can’t help but wonder if the dream is the  answer to this prayer or was the dream my way of letting Dan go so someone else can come into my life? Is this dream my final goodbye? Or, is the dream telling me that no one will be in my life but Dan?

4 thoughts on “It Was Only A Dream

  1. I love dreams as they are little God moments in our lives. I think that dream was Dan’s way of saying that the love you two shared will never end and will transcend this life into the next. And his dream time with you was a way of easing your pain and giving you his loving permission to move on knowing full well you will always love him. It is okay to be open to other love – we should never compare love or look for something that will equal or surpass that which we have already experienced. No, God simply wants us to be open to give and receive love and I think you are getting to that point. I mourn your loss with you, but I celebrate your openness to allowing more love into your life. Hugs and blessings coming your way!

    • Linda,
      I appreciate you and your faithfulness in reading my blog especially since there has been so little to read of late. Your friendship may be cyber based, but it as real and as true as my others.

      Thank you for your insight. I value your thoughts highly…

      Before cancer came into our lives, Dan and I would speak lightly of what we would do should one of us died before the other. I always told him that I would have him stuffed by a taxadermist and stand him in him in the corner of the bedroom…LOL.

      He always said that, if anything ever happened to me, he would never marry again. I would always smile because I knew that Dan never was without a woman. Just not possible. I did believe that he may not marry again, but he would not be alone. As for me, the idea of loving someone else has always been a foreign idea. That is why I was so surprised to hear those words come out of my mouth in prayer.

      That realization was a major event and then to have it followed up by the dream….well, that was a jolt….and it caused me to pause and question.

      Thanks, again, my friend for your kindness and for walking this journey with me…words are not enough…

  2. Shadowlands
    I sympathise, because I know the feeling well — the joy that comes with finding someone you lost, and the dark disappointment of waking up alone.

    Such dreams find me all too rarely, but when they do, I always feel comforted to know that everything is alright.

    That kind of reassurance is reason enough for the dream. I never looked for permissions to go forwards — Jenny loved me, and she knew I would do what I felt was best. She told me she was right behind me, in whatever I chose to do.

    It’s been great to have that support. I’ve made mistakes, as I’m sure she knew I would. But I don’t think either she, or I, thought that it would be otherwise.

    All best wishes from London. And spirits up.

  3. Roads,
    I was afraid of this first dream. I was afraid of the pain and I believe I blocked Dan from coming soon. I always knew that he would come to me. I just don’t know how to keep the ever present longing for him to be here with me to fade from my heart of hearts.

    Only those, like you , who have walked this part of the journey can understand the deep and intense myraid of emotions that dreams like this bring.

    Thank you, my friend. Thank you so very much.

    From a cold and snowy Indiana cornfield county…I will perserver to keep my spritis up and more open to these dreams…

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