For the past week, I have been struggling with a concept that I see in my life and it seems to be in so many areas that are important to me. I wish that I knew how to formulate into words what has been “eating” at me, but I am still having trouble.
It is the idea that our perceptions are reality. I have my perceptions. I write about them on this blog because I find that everyone has their own perception of what it is like to be where my husband and I are in this journey.
As a parent, your perception of an insident may be that it was ”’cute” when your child behaved in a particular way. It was totally different as your child relates to you the same insident. I remember something like this between my dad and my brother.
My dad was changing a flat tire on the old Model T or A, I can’t remember which. My brother was always in my dad’s shadow and at 4 years old, he wanted to “help”. My dad, being the type of personality that he was, allowed his young son to tighten bolts on the car wheel. For whatever reason, my dad failed to go behind my brother and make sure that the wheel was tightened. So as they went down the road, the wheel came off and rolled down the road. My dad had a terrible temper and proceeded to “whip” my brother until he wet himself. (Today, the spankings and whippings that we all received would have resulted in my dad being arrested for child abuse. That was then. ) My dad put the wheel back onto the car and that was that.
When my dad told the story, he was chuckling and thought that it was a funny story, but I had heard this story before from my brother. He didn’t find it funny at all. In fact, it was a major reason why my brother was afraid of my dad and my grandfather most of his life.
Same story, different perspective. Today, we allow our perceptions to determine our reality and we make moral judgemnts based on our perceptions. It isn’t the perception that is so troubling as it is judgement that is passed upon your perception.
I experienced this kind of thing in regards to our wedding celebration. I made a decision based on my perception. Of course, our perceptions are formulated from the fact that cancer takes center stage in our life. It is the cause of our daily events and it is the major reality that we deal with.
I felt so bad when I didn’t realize that a decision I made regarding the Wedding hurt someone that I love very much. It hurt them and I felt like that the only thing to make it right was to cancel our celebration. It was a decision that my husband and I came to unanimously and at the same time. We stopped everything in its tract.
I realized that I had a terrible fear that if I offended those that I depend on, they may not be there when I need them the most. I walk on egg shells because of this fear and frankly, this fear takes away my individuality as a person. I hate being that dependent, but I am in a vulnerable situation and the fear of the unknown has great influence on me.
This terrible fear reduces me from being a confident and decisive person to being a sniffeling blog of a human being and I hate it. I hate living in fear of what is going to happen to me if my husband doesn’t survive. What if I am left totally alone without support or help when I can’t pay the light bill or even when I need help with the arraingements with my husband’s burial…
I live in such terrible terror and I am so tired of it. I have to find a way of living outside of this fear and I have to understand that the perception of others cannot influence what I know to be true.
With much encouragement, we have set the date of our celebration for February 2,2008. I hope that we can have this celebration of our love and more than that, of my husband’s life. He is not doing very well right now. He is tired and he sleeps alot now…He is becoming a shadow of the man that he was and it hurts to see this….that is the world of my perception and it is my reality.
All of this reminds me of my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. We did not know that my mother was so ill. She was determined to have this celebration but the night of the celebration, she went to bed an never got up.
I received a call at work the next day and my mother was taken to the hospital and then tranferred up to IU Medical Center. She was diagnosed with late stage multiple melanoma. They gave her two years to live and they were right.
There were two things that enabled her to hold on. The celebration was one and the birth of my nieces second child was the next. Two days after the birth of her great grandson, my mom left this world. It is a testiment to her will. She wasn’t leaving until she saw that baby’s face.
I wonder if this isn’t the same with my husband. In the back of my mind, I wonder how long will he last after this celebration? He wants to give celebration to me as the final demonstration of his love….I am so humbled and I am so afraid. This will be in the back of my mind as I plan and anticipate this wonderful day…
In the midst of this joy, there is fear…I am so tired of living in the fear of the unknown, the fear of perception, the fear of his dying and most of all the fear of being alone….
Will I ever break out of the fears that are in these shadows and live again?…I wish that I knew….
I want to thank Roads at “Price of Love” and the Merry Widows site for their encouragement….I appreciate your help as I walk this journey. With your kindness, I know that whatever comes, I am not alone…..and I won’t lose heart.