I recieve daily emails from a site called GriefShare…today’s mailing began with this quote…”Although your mind knows the facts, your heart is often reluctant to accept the death of someone you know and love.”
That is something with which I have been dealing. There are days when it seems that my life with my husband never happened…it was just a dream…and now, I am fully awake with the devastation.
The mind does all sorts of gymnastics to protect itself from such unbearable reality. Then, the fullness of it floods in on me and I am overwhelmed with such pain, disappointment and sorrow. It is such a cruel dance.
As I was driving home, I heard this song on the radio. It was if someone had a secret window into my heart and truly saw the endless hurt that it held.
I admit, that I do not feel the comfort of God that the songwriter sings. I am numb to the spiritual side of my life and that disturbs me alot, but nevertheless, it is the truth.
It is my hope that I will feel the “saving grace” and fully understand the “Peace” that she sings.
In the meantime, I am filling time and space. I intellectually know that this isn’t the best thing to do, but it is the only thing that I can do at this time.
it is too much to comprehend at this moment.
Walking in the Valley of the Shadows 
No one can tell you how to grieve. You know God’s presence is there and will be there when you’re ready.
When I was going through a really hard time, I got some advice from someone who’d read a book by a POW. It comforted me because I never had to make it to the minute part.
One day at a time. You made it through yesterday, you can make it through today. You made it through that last hour, you can make it through this one. You made it through that last minute, you can make it through this one. You made it through that last breath, you can make it through this one. You made it through that last heart beat, you can make it through this one.
Just use which ever ones reflect your current emotion. Know that God is there, with every heart beat, breath, minute, hour and day. I’m praying for you.
That’s a lovely song…and someday, I pray, you’ll be able to say that you do feel God’s comforting in this way.
God is still there caring for you, loving you and helping you…even during the times that you don’t feel His presence. But still I want to feel it…don’t you?
You’re in my prayers, my friend. And I’m here to listen (or read) if you need to talk (or write).
What a beautiful song. Our “Saving Grace” is there even when we doubt it, even when we don’t feel Him. I know that feeling of numbness, and there are times when I have begged God just to appear to me, and to come and hold me. (I have even reached out my arms for a hug.) But He knew that my faith would be strengthed more, by believing He was there anyway, in spite of the fact that I couldn’t touch Him, or see Him. “Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet have believed.” And so it goes…He’s there, and later you will realize that even the fact that you are still breathing is a gift of grace, at the most difficult time of your life. For without Him, how could you possibly survive it? You are being carried by Him right now. Just rest in His loving arms. It’s enough. Hugs-Sparkle
Well, Shadowlands, I will tell you this–I don’t see how you can expect yourself to do more, feel more, hear more, etc. etc. etc. when your life has been disrupted in the most agonizing way it can be. I don’t believe for a moment your faith isn’t with you, but I do believe it is too much for you to even go there. You can only travel mentally as far as your heart lets you and right now thats a pretty short distance.. Each day you travel that little distance is a day toward healing yourself. Don’t go for the gold even in your beliefs now…….let everything run its course and trust your friends belief in you tell you to tell you one day all is gonna be okay!
You will get to where you need to be when can.
I know you will one day!
your friend,
Frank
Sweetie you don’t have to feel the presence of God to know that he has been with you throughout this entire journey and his heart is breaking because your heart is breaking. Don’t be hard on yourself. I very much second Frank’s comments in not expecting yourself to do more. Your trip will take as long as your trip will take. So take one little step at a time. Ripping off a band-aid only reminds you how much your wound hurts so keep the band-aids in place whenever possible. Breathe, eat, rest, and remember we all love you.
Hugs, Linda
Hang in there. Don’t second guess yourself. We all handle grief differently. It’s a process, sometimes a long one. Only your own mind, body and spirit know how to lead you through it.
I’m praying for healing for you, for rest, for peace and comfort.
I so understand what you’re saying. After the death of a loved one, one can feel in limbo; neither in this world nor yet out of it. It is a sort of depression – where everything can seem distant, as if you are looking through the wrong end of a telescope. I’ve been there too.
It is no bad thing to occupy yourself as long as you also allow yourself time to think and grieve. Grieving is so exhausting that it would be impossible to keep it up 24/7. Being occupied and distracting yourself gives your mind a break from the process – as does sleep when you can achieve it (and even then one dreams …). Without giving yourself a break you might collapse under the pressure. I found the best way is to allow yourself to actively think about it all for a while but then make yourself do something to distract yourself – of course you won’t always achieve this. On occasions when I had to be “together” I would say this mantra to myself over and over: “Not now, I mustn’t think about it now – now I need to be stong”. I would also hold my breath slightly to prevent myself from crying – it is impossible to cry when you hold your breath. Of course I always allowed myself to cry later in private.
Sending you healing.