With Each Passing Shadow

The days are settling back into the familiar routine. It has been a week since the Renewal/Ceremony. The doctor visits, the trips to the infusion center, the mountain of forms and mail that chokes out any conceivable space on my desk….

The Wedding/Renewal seems like a lovely fairy tale now, yet when I catch a glimpse of the dress hanging on the back of the door of our bedroom, it seems that there should be bit of fairy dust still clinging to it…

My husband isn’t feeling so well, now. He seems to be trying to catch one of the many viruses that is abounding in the doctor’s office. We have to go there at least once a week because of his blood work requirements. I hope that this isn’t the result of going into the germ infested place.

His hands seem paler lately. They are often cold to the touch and he complains of being chilled. So, I crank up the heat and swelter. No complaints….

This change in his overall health may be from the fact that we had to work outside the past few days to begin cleaning up the mess after the night of tornados. No one saw the source of the wind. All anyone could see was massive darkness, but the wind had to be over 100 mph to blow the old chicken coop off of its foundation.

The next day the winds blew almost as hard so the coop started to collapse on everything inside. We knew that we had to get things out of there or we would loose the things that we needed most in the spring…

Spring…oh, how I want it to come. In January, my husband said that he didn’t think that he would be here after March. Somehow, I am holding onto getting through March and if we get through March, then we should be able to get through April, that is when the new grandson is coming, then May and June…I want to hold onto every month and say, “See, you thought you wouldn’t be here, but now that you are, it is time to plant and look, there are the flowers….”

But, no matter, I see things are changing. My husband and I have always been a team. We play our instruments together. When we sing, we are perfect in our harmonizing and when we work, we are a team in everything that we do…

He wanted desperately to get the building off of the lawn tractor. We  need the lawn tractor. When the old tractor  finally broke down for the last time, I push mowed these 2 acres and I thought that I was going to die!!! Something that normally took a few hours, took me half of the day and I had to stop quite often to rest, but I did push mow the lawn and it looked good. So, saving the lawn tractor was top priority in rescuing our things out of the broken down shed.

Now, as we tackled everything in tandem, it was me that took the lead and it was me that came along side to pick up something that he normally would have handled easily. He would tire so easily and I would stop for a break, not because I needed it, but because he was out of breath and looking so very weak and tired.

As we toiled for the next few hours, I could see in his eyes his realization that he was loosing ground as well as muscle mass. I told him that I would start him on the protein drinks that body builders use. He said that might work.

On through the afternoon, we picked up trash, pushed and pulled lawn equipment and slowly made some headway in cleaning up this mess that was left in the wake of the storms. Then, we noticed that the shadows of evening we coming and we had to have help to get this done before darkness set in.

Before, we could call anyone, a neighbor stopped on his ATV and asked if we needed help. My husband nodded. It was a slow nod, as if it was a terrible admission of guilt. When the neighbor returned, there was in tow a younger man with him and then another neighbor next door came with a chain saw and another showed up with a tractor….

By the lengthening of the next shadow, the dead tree limb that nearly hit our truck was down,  cut up and hauled away. All of the tractors and garden equipment was out of the old, tired and worn shed and stored in the barn. Everything that needed attention was pretty much wrapped up and my husband had a smile of gratitude that would have lit up the early evening…everything was done by the beginning of twilight.

Later, he said, “Baby, we still are a great team.” I agreed. We always were a great team when it came to working side by side. Then I thought to myself how we had always worked as a team in the businesses that we owned, in the parenting that we did and in every area that really mattered.

I have always appreciated how we have worked as one. But, with each passing shadow from night till day, I seem to see him fading. Sometimes, when I look at him, it is as if I am watching him become more transparent.

Maybe it is the color of his skin that is fading or maybe it is the body becoming weaker, I don’t know. There are times when I look at him, I can almost see through him as he sits in the recliner. Yet, it is his will that never seems to fade. 

 It is his will that wants to see the face of his namesake grandson. It is his will to stay so that I don’t have to tackle the aftermath of the storms and the mess that they leave behind. It is his will that says to me, “I don’t want to leave you. But, I know that I am loosing ground.” If it were up to will, cancer would not have a chance in his life. His will is as strong as it ever was…

It was his will to have our celebration and it was a wonderful testament to his love and his desire to have something beautiful to remember. I believe that it has always been his will that has kept cancer at bay…yet, I know that it is the prayers, ours and others, that join with his will to live that has kept him past the time the doctors said he would be here on earth.

But, yet, I know that we have to yield to the Will of our Father. I am praying that it is His Will that will grant my petitions and prayers so my husband can stay and so that we can continue to be this great team…These are the prayers that begin the day and end with each passing shadow…it is the prayers….